Suicide is a touchy topic that comes up in the Migraine community from time to time and has been mentioned a few times on a Migraine blog recently. Not being able to stop the daily pain of chronic Migraines (or any other chronic pain) is unbearable at times.
Having lived with chronic pain for about 14 years now, I understand the agongy one goes through on a daily basis. I understand when it hurts to get out of bed in the morning, when it hurts after taking a shower, and you can hardly do anything for the rest of the day because you are so exhausted. Then have to do it all over again, and for what? Will the pain ever go away? Will I have any kind of life, at all, ever? The life I once knew is completely gone. I still grieve over that loss. Some say time heals all wounds, but I have to tell you, healing is taking its sweet time.
The only way I can get up in the morning is by telling myself that today, just today, will be a different day. Maybe not a better day than yesterday, but different. I don't do it for my kids, my family, my friends or anyone else, just me. Maybe my pain won't be a six all day - just a two. Maybe I will be able to actually fold the laundry that has been sitting in the basket for two days and then have my son carry it up the stairs for me. I might even be able to make some sort of dinner for the two of us.
Letting the expectations of others go is really, really difficult. Because Migraineurs don't look sick (there's that invisible illness thing), people cannot seem to understand or accept Migraine and chronic pain. If they can't see it, touch it, or feel it, then it must not be true. I get so very tired of being asked, "What do you DO all day?" Really? "Staying home must be really nice for you." Really? Would you like to "talk a walk" around in my head for a day and find out? I seriously doubt it.
Learning to accept and cope with my chronic pain has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I could not have done it without help from a trusted professional. If those in chronic pain don't have a counselor, and believe me, if you tried to take your own life, you ARE depressed, then you might want to get one asap. For more information take a look this article by Teri Robert; Migraines and Feeling Hopeless.
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© Nancy Harris Bonk. Last updated August 16, 2010.
